Critics' Corner: Movies We’re Thankful For

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This holiday season, Jen and Dave wax sentimental over the meaning of Thanksgiving and the movies that make them most thankful for great cinema, dysfunctional families, good food, jazz hands and witchcraft.

Jen: So, Thanksgiving. The time of year we celebrate family and togetherness and stuff.

Dave: Pie. It's Pie Day.

Jen: Yes, it’s pie and mashed potatoes and stuffing and cranberry sauce day. Unless you're Eli Roth, in which case it means a little something different.

Dave: If you're Eli Roth it means you should be skipping that meal with whoever you were going to be with and working extra hard to get that Thanksgiving slasher movie to MY EYES ASAP. He OWES me that movie. I didn't do anything to merit it, but I feel entitled anyway.

Jen: Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving is made for you: Festivity AND blood in one movie!

Dave: Nothin' else I need except the pie.

Jen: Well, until Roth delivers his holiday treat, what are some films that make us thankful for things that don’t involve bleeding turkeys and killers with giant carving knives?

Dave: White Material. And here's why: Claire Denis is one of the greatest filmmakers alive right now. Her movies cover so much territory, from Beau Travail, which was her adaptation of Herman Melville's Billy Budd, to Trouble Every Day, an allegory about disease and pharmaceutical corporations, to The Intruder, about this guy who travels the world in search of a heart, to 35 Shots of Rum, about this really loving family in Paris. All her movies are tough as nails; whether they're gentle and loving like 35 Shots or brutal like Trouble Every Day was, full of these sexually cannibalistic vampire people.

Jen: Lovely. So this Thanksgiving, Claire Denis is the filmmaker you're most thankful for.

Dave: She makes Art Films. Like Capital “A” Art Films. She's not for everyone. But she's amazing and, on a personal note... I get emails from readers who want to bust me for liking genre films, like horror movies and Nicolas Cage ridiculousness and Jackass but no one ever really says, "Thanks for introducing me to the odd work of Apichatpong Weerasethakul, Dave."

Jen: But you have to believe there's at least ONE person out there thinking it.

Dave: There'd better be. Because here's what I hate, what I'm never thankful for: the mushy middle. Tepid Oscar-bait movies. Dramas where weeping stands in for real emotion. Boring romantic comedies. That stuff is like a dental hygienist scraping your teeth. Give me the low-lows and the high-highs and then I'm happy.

Jen: What movie makes you most thankful for Thanksgiving itself?

Dave: There are none, really. But Planes, Trains and Automobiles is the best.

Jen: You know what movie makes me most thankful for Planes, Trains and Automobiles? DUE DATE. Because Due Date proves you can't just copy the formula and throw in a few jokes and conjure an instant comedy classic.

Dave: Somehow, even though it’s not tied to any holiday I think of Babette's Feast as a sort of Thanksgiving/Christmas-y movie because it has to do with people loving each other with food.

Jen: That, and 9 1/2 Weeks.

Dave: …

Jen: When I was little, the movie that made me thankful for nature was Pocahontas. It taught me to love all the colors of the wind.

Dave: I was a grown man when Pocahontas came out and I had the best argument with some guy about it. He claimed that it was teaching children to be pagans. And after I stopped laughing in his face, I explained to him that he was absolutely correct and that more children needed to run around in Wiccan covens.

Jen: Agreed. Speaking of covens, most movies about Thanksgiving try to make you appreciate your own messed-up families. Pieces of April, Hannah and Her Sisters, Home for the Holidays… each one about a dysfunctional family that still loves and spends the holiday together. The problem with movies about Thanksgiving, though, is that they’re all about families fighting and a lot of them are annoying to watch.

Dave: You know what movie is about Thanksgiving and totally awful? The Myth of Fingerprints. This uptight family has stiffly angry fights at Thanksgiving. A singularly irritating movie. Made me appreciate all the drunkards sitting around listening to Willie Nelson that constituted my own childhood Thanksgivings.

Jen: Looking to this holiday season, I think the best Thanksgiving movie to see with the ones you love… is 127 Hours. The movie that makes you appreciate being able to be with family instead of in some cave hallucinating that they’re there with you. Makes you thankful that you don’t have to cut off your arm to be with the ones you love-hate.

Dave: And I think that the best Thanksgiving movie to see is Unstoppable.

Jen: …

Dave: Unstoppable is a badass movie. It's got train violence, it's got kids in peril, it's got people being dumbly heroic. It's got a REAL derailment. They shot a real train derailing for it. It's very loud. And it made me hungry. When I see a movie that gets me all excited about destruction I wind up hungry.

Jen: If anything, Unstoppable made me appreciate the other upcoming films we can turn off our brains for and still be delighted by. For example: BURLESQUE! In fact, I think one could read Burlesque as a modern-day Pilgrim story.

Dave: I see it in a few days but I'm not enthusiastic about it. I don't think anything about it will make me thankful for anything. But please tell me why you feel this way.

Jen: Xtina is the wholesome girl fresh off the bus/Mayflower making a pilgrimage to the West/Hollywood to learn from wise old dark-haired Cher. They learn to live and sing in harmony and form their own family.

Dave: A dance-family?

Jen: Yes. A sing-song dance family. And instead of bonding over roasted turkey, they share SEQUINS AND JAZZ FINGERS!

Dave: According to this Armenian magazine I once flipped through in my dentist’s office, Cher is like the 7th most powerful Armenian in the world.

Jen: Really? Only the 7th?

Dave: #1 was some business tycoon with an eye patch.

Jen: So this holiday season, we recommend seeing White Material, Unstoppable, Burlesque and 127 Hours.

Dave: But not Tangled. Tangled is a bore. For the 50th Disney animated feature you'd think they would have really pulled out a big gun. But it's kind of an afterthought. It won't make you thankful for Disney.

Jen: Agreed. Tangled will make you thankful for the classic Disney Princess movies that came before.

Dave: Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast. That's the stuff.

Jen: And that other family holiday flick this season, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 will make you thankful for...?

Dave: Witchcraft.

Jen: But of course. This Thanksgiving, eat some turkey and cast a spell with the ones you love the most!

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Critics' Corner: Comic-Con 2010 Preview!

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Jen and Dave still love the San Diego Comic-Con, in spite of the Hollywood takeover…

Dave: HALL H, Y’ALL!

Jen: I’m going to be living there for several days. Eating convention food. Hunting for wifi. Doing the bob-and-weave through crowds of sweaty men wearing comic book t-shirts.

Dave: You couldn’t get a hotel?

Jen: You know what I mean.

Dave: Yes, I know. I know all too well. I once sat in Hall H through several angry-fan-driven Star Wars panels just so I could see the Snakes on a Plane preview.

Jen: Was it worth it?

Dave: Heck yeah. There were real snakes there. Also Kenan Thompson and Sam Jackson saying his signature line, the one they’ve rearranged on network television airings to sound like, “I want these monkeyfightin’ snakes off this Monday-to-Friday plane!”

Jen: I'll be there covering panels and celeb-y happenings -- Brangelina! -- taking pics of nerdos, stuff like that.

Dave: I tend to avoid the big panels anymore. I hate the shove-y crowds. And I figure it’s all going to wind up online as soon as it happens anyway.

Jen: It is. Yay, internetz!

Dave: I feel happier going to the tiny room panels about weird stuff. Once I went to this one for a woman named Lily Renee Phillips, one of the pioneering female comic book artists. She was there, too, and very old but still full of great stories.

Jen: When was your first Comic-Con?

Dave: 2001, not long after I moved to Los Angeles.

Jen: Why did you go?

Dave: Curiosity. I wanted to see what happened. I’m sure by that point the old-school people were already saying that it had been killed by Hollywood. They had no idea what was coming.

Jen: Pure nerdiness motivated you, then. I like that. And I agree, it’s become insane. A mad frenzy. A mad, wonderful, nerd-tastic frenzy that I love even though I hardly sleep and eat the whole time and have to struggle through crowds of sweaty people everywhere.

Dave: I have mass and momentum so I can shove my way through a crowd easily.

Jen: I was able to do that the year I went dressed in a giant tomato suit.

Dave: Was that some veggie fetish thing?

Jen: Nope. But it was rather fun. More importantly, it allowed me to push people out of the way, too. Either that, or they just moved out of my way out of pity for the girl wearing a giant tomato suit at Comic-Con.

Dave: Now that I have shared my Snakes on a Plane moment, what is your favorite memory of being marketed to?

Jen: When they first showed the Iron Man trailer. It BLEW OUR MINDS. And I love that in the past few years, the male geek masses have been up in arms over those new, oppressive, interlopers: Twilight fans. But this year there's no Twilight panel, so those geeks can rest easy.

Dave: I’m most interested in Paul this year. Not the guy named Paul. Although I know a couple Pauls. The movie Paul, with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. It actually begins at Comic-Con, so it’s tailor-made for this audience. It comes out in 2011, but they’re hyping it this year so you can bookmark it in your brain.

Jen: The Megamind panel might have BRADFREAKINGPITT show up as a surprise guest!

Dave: That would be as A-list as it gets, true.

Jen: And maybe he and Angelina will bring their coven along to share in the festivities. The family that geeks out together, stays together. Ooh, also? Bruce Willis and Helen Mirren will be in attendance for Red.

Dave: Helen Mirren is a badass. I love the idea of her at Comic-Con, wondering aloud, “Where are all the people who are good looking, such as myself?”

Jen: And Nicolas Cage has a movie called Drive Angry 3D, which I already can't wait to see based on its title alone

Dave: I agree. Who’s better than Nicolas Cage at this crap? NO ONE. I love that dude.

Jen: He’s going to be angry, he’s going to be driving a car angry and he’s going to be driving that car angry in three dimensions.

Dave: HE WILL DRIVE THAT CAR RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE.

Jen: I HOPE SO! Then there are all the Green movies. Lantern, Hornet, etcetera…

Dave: Yes, yes. Pixels. I heard all about it already.

Jen: Don’t you wish Michel Gondry would just make Green Hornet out of fibers and glue and yarn and cardboard?

Dave: I think all movies should be that way.

Jen: Is Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch on your radar yet? It’s been kept mostly under wraps but already sounds awesome. Lots of women kicking ass. Carla Gugino, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens…

Dave: I like movies about punching. And I like Jena Malone. Does she punch Vanessa Hudgens?

Jen: We can only hope. Side note: I thank Zack Snyder silently in my head every time I see male cos-players at Comic-Con dressed as Spartans.

Dave: Yeah well I’ve seen some of those dudes and more than a few of them could stand to cos-play as Freddy Kreuger instead.

Jen: I think the Marvel panel is going to be nuts, too.

Dave: Is it the nerd collective dream to see the entire cast of Avengers take the stage, like in a big reveal?

Jen: That’s what I hear.

Dave: That ain’t gonna happen.

Jen: What do you know? DO YOU HAVE SOME INSIDE SCOOP??

Dave: Nothing, I just like to throw sadness around.

Jen: Okay, last question. What is the one costume you would wear to Comic-Con if you were going to do that.

Dave: I’d sooner watch Old Dogs again in a constant loop with my eyelids pinned open, all Clockwork Orange-style.

Jen: But if a phaser set on kill were held to your head…

Dave: Bikini Slave Leia, like that one dude did on American Idol.

Jen: I would pay full Comic-Con entry pass price to see that.

Dave: It would be great. Fat men like me can wear any costume and make it look awesome because being fat makes us automatically hilarious. What about you?

Jen: I’m a short Asian woman, which means some geeks already think I’m cos-playing. People, I'm not dressed up as that one Japanese school girl from your favorite anime. And I don't want your free hugs, but thank you for offering. This year’s Comic-Con takes place July 21-25. Stay tuned for more coverage on Movies.com.

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Critics' Corner: Dave & Jen's Mid-Year Oscar Picks

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Now that the summer movie season is over, Dave and Jen wax poetic on the best of the year so far and try their hand at predicting this year's Oscar nominees.

Jen: You hate the Oscars, right?

Dave: They're as meaningful as the Teen Choice Awards. But I don't hate them. I like the ridiculosity. I like awards shows. But the Oscars get less and less fun because the cheesy awards show stuff that used to make it fun to watch is being stripped away. Like, there are no more dumb song performances.

Jen: Agreed. I like the pageantry. As far as the Academy Awards go, I want to see Beyoncé singing medleys of all the Best Song nominees and dancers doing interpretive numbers.

Dave: But you don't really get much interpretive dance any more. Or Rob Lowe singing with Snow White. No, the Oscars are like watching a reality show about fake people with weird lips and foreheads. My favorite was from when I was a kid; I remember vividly when The Omen came out that the theme from it was nominated for Best Song and it was called "Ave Satani," which is hilarious. And then they did this dance to it and it was like watching Monica Bellucci performing an incantation in a pentagram in Sorcerer's Apprentice, people all wavy and evil and with flowing capes and whatever.

Jen: That must have made an impression on little Dave White. And with that ridiculous Oscar story as a jumping-off point, let's launch into our own mid-season Oscar predictions! Speaking of Best Original Songs like "Ave Satani," I happen to think 2010 is a banner year for the category…

Dave: "Pimps Don't Cry" from The Other Guys is pretty great. I think you agree.

Jen: Usually we get stuck with these yuppie middle-aged songs from documentaries, written by musicians like Bono. But "Pimps Don't Cry," to me, is the first CLEAR front-runner of the 2010 Oscar race. And co-written by JON BRION! I want to see Eva Mendes and Cee-Lo perform it on stage at the Oscars.

Dave: My favorite song of the year so far is "Make It Don't Fake It" from Trash Humpers.

Jen: ALSO GOOD! And so catchy it'll haunt your parking lot-destroying, garbage bin-humping, baby doll-mangling dreams.

Dave: Trash Humpers is also my favorite movie of the year so far. Therefore I want it nominated for Best Picture. I would also nominate Toy Story 3 alongside Trash Humpers.

Jen: I would love to see Trash Humpers and Toy Story 3 go head to head in multiple categories: Best Song, Best Director, Best Picture. Forget Avatar vs. The Hurt Locker. Harmony Korine vs. Pixar will be the new divisive Oscar showdown that shows where you stand as a cinephile!

Dave: I love I Am Love so that one gets nominated too.

Jen: Tilda Swinton should get a nom, yes.

Dave: She's the best actress every year even if she isn't in a movie. So lucky us she's in one this year. I also liked Jennifer Lawrence from Winter's Bone.

Jen: And since Lawrence's next role is in an X-Men movie, she stands a good chance to inherit the Oscar curse if she wins! If we're talking Best Actress, I'd like to see Noomi Rapace nominated for the Millenium trilogy. That woman is GOOD. Fearless.

Dave: See, I think those Girl Who Dragoned the Tattoo Fires movies are entertaining, awesome movies but I wouldn't nominate them for best picture.

Jen: I get that, but Rapace's performance is better than 90% of the female performances we've seen this year. Completely Oscar nomination-worthy. Rapace is so good in the Girl with the Doodad Whatsit movies that I cannot picture any of these frail little Hollywood girls filling her shoes in the remake.

Dave: Okay she can be one of our Best Actress nominees, then. I do agree with you on that.

Jen: What about The Kids are All Right mommy lesbians? I feel like that movie is exactly what the Academy likes to embrace. Are you feeling Julianne Moore and/or Annette Bening for Best Actress?

Dave: Annette Bening. I like brittle and cold more than anything. And I liked when she sang the Joni Mitchell song.

Jen: Brittle and cold does make more of an impact compared to Moore's crunchy hippie shtick, although I can already picture Moore's sound-bite monologue about marriage being played on the screen as they announce her nomination for Best Actress and her competition looks bravely into the camera with their best "I'm honored just to be here" faces.

Dave: That whole "what is a marriage" speech is fine… I think that movie is funny and authentic and all, but it didn't convince me of anything new and it plays like a movie that's for people who need to be reminded that gay people are actual human beings.

Jen: Exactly why I think the Academy would embrace it!

Dave: Yes, the real Academy will eat it up. But we are the Awesome-cademy and we don't have to play by their rules, so I'm ignoring that movie.

Jen: In our Awesome-cademy, do we agree that a Best Supporting Actress nod goes to the middle girl in The Human Centipede?

Dave: YES. And I'm being serious. People laugh at me when I say this but I truly believe that she gave a really harrowing performance -- and it was all done with her face sewn to a Japanese guy's butt.

Jen: Has any other actor, male or female, ever had to perform under such severe constraints? Maybe Mathieu Almaric, blinking his way through The Diving Bell and the Butterfly…

Dave: Right. The animals in Milo and Otis that died, they had it worse. But otherwise, The Human Centipede girl kind of wins.

Jen: Oh! What about Inception? I say Best Director/Script/Score/Actress, for Marion Cotillard. Inception's got to win multiple awards. The score alone keeps me up at night.

Dave: Inception is fantastic. I'm not on anyone's backlash wagon.

Jen: Totes. I still wonder if any of this is real. Is this conversation real? Are you real?

Dave: You said totes. You're so young. Kids and their slangs are great…

Jen: Totes magotes! What other nominations do you propose?

Dave: P Diddy for Best Supporting Actor in Get Him to the Greek.

Jen: More specifically, P Diddy's floating Pac-man head for Best Supporting Actor! How about Best Director?

Dave: Nicole Holofcener, Please Give.

Jen: Nice one. A few more Best Song nominees: Pharrell Williams' hip-hop for kids theme song from Despicable Me, and that one Miley Cyrus ballad from The Last Song. Just because.

Dave: You're joking about that Miley Cyrus song. That movie, however, was hilarious.

Jen: I am joking. Kind of. Maybe. It got radio play! It may be the best known mainstream song from a major motion picture this year! Unless "Pimps Don't Cry" gets a foothold. That song is so good. It's up there for me as the Song of Summer 2010 with the "Bed Intruder" song by the Auto-tune the News guys. "Hide your kids, hide your wife…"

Dave: I agree about "Bed Intruder." Sadly, not in any movie though. Like maybe they could put it in one but it wouldn't be an original song and, therefore, would be disqualified. In other news, we've spent way too long talking about the Best Song category.

Jen: I think we've picked some winners here. And the real Oscar season hasn't even begun! We're so winning the Oscar pool this year! Go pimps and P Diddy and Trash Humpers!

Dave: Yes, we're winning the pool. The pool in Backwards Town.

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Critics' Corner: Talking Twilight: Eclipse with Jen and Dave

Critics' Corner: Talking Twilight: Eclipse with Jen and Dave

By Dave White and Jen Yamato Jun 26, 2010

One's a Twi-hard, the other's Twi-agnostic. Guess which one's which? Dave and Jen discuss The Twilight Saga: Eclipse to get to the bottom of the sparkly vampire phenomenon.

**Spoiler warning: Details of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse and the upcoming two-part final film, Breaking Dawn, are mentioned below.

Dave: Okay! So let's talk about GREEN HORNET! I'm ready!

Jen: Uhhhh, Dave?

Dave: Okay! So let's talk about EAT PRAY LOVE!

Jen: Well, that's not exactly the romantic epic I was thinking about.

Dave: Okay, I am now ready to talk about ENTER THE VOID!

Jen: That's not it, either -- although if Bill Condon gets creative he could take a very interesting cue from Enter the Void for the birthing scene in his 2011 sequel The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. So… let's talk TWILIGHT!

Dave: Why do I have to wait through Eclipse to get to the part where she has a monsterbaby?

Jen: Because all good things come to those who wait. Sometimes, those things are bloody, gory child birthings of half-human, half-monster babies. You know, they made Eclipse to be more action-packed than the previous two Twilight films, with plenty of vampire-on-vampire-on-werewolf violence. In other words, it's kinda-sorta-almost your kind of movie!

Dave: Really? Because when I think of you and this series, I think of you saying words like: "DREAMY." "SPARKLY." "ROMANTIC."

Jen: Yes! To all of the above! It's also "limb-tearing," "head-ripping," and "scary!" Well, as scary as a Twilight film can be.

Dave: I do not believe it is scary. And we should say that, as of this conversation, I have not yet seen the film—my only opportunity takes place less than 48 hours before it opens--and you have seen it 13 times already.

Jen: And in IMAX! Ginormous face-amplifying IMAX! Which I do not recommend, by the way. David Slade, the director, has a serious jones for extreme close-ups.

Dave: Migrainemax. I will pass on it. But I have to say, so that the Twiharders don't hate me, that I am not, in my soul, opposed to any of this. Because I like frenzy; I like superfandom as a thing to look at and be fascinated by. I will also say that I actually enjoyed the first movie BECAUSE of the superfans.

Jen: Hurrah! That's what I like to hear: a non-Twihard with an open mind.

Dave: The first Twilight film was totally fun as a freaky phenomenon, and because it's kind of hilarious to watch Kristen Stewart do a deadpan swoon, which has now become kind of her trademark. The whole thing is interesting in the way that watching people fall in love. They’re into you. You’re happy for them but kind of detached.

Jen: Well, I'm happy to report that in Eclipse, KStew's trademark hair stroking and angsty blinking and nervous stammering is gone. After Edward up and left her in the woods in the last movie -- which was way not cool, Edward -- this is a newer, more confident Bella. Thank goodness.

Dave: I disliked New Moon. I was bored.

Jen: I understand. Like most Twilight fans, the reason I like the movies is because I love the books. And the movies, no matter how flawed they've been (and they have been), have stayed true to the emotions that captivated me in the books.

Dave: Can you explain that part a bit? Because I see this relationship as abusive. And I'm not the originator of that line of thinking. I think Edward is abusive to Bella and she oughta dump him. See, I never fell in love as a teenager. I was very busy being angry and hating everything.

Jen: Bella feels what real girls feel when they are that age. And although both of the men in her life wind up doing messed up things to her, she does it right back to them. So in a way, it's all equal: Everyone's messed up!

Dave: Well okay then. In Eclipse does she do some more assertive messing with them?

Jen: YES.

Dave: I will let this unfold. I will see it through to the end. Yes, because it's my job. But also because I just would. Meanwhile, I await with anticipation the MONSTERBABY. To satisfy me it will have to be as awesome as It's Alive, the '70s horror classic about a monsterbaby.

Jen: What are your feelings on Robsten?

Dave: What's a Robsten?

Jen: Err, nevermind. Do you enjoy hearing fans scream and squeal ("squee" is the official technical term) in a theater whenever actors kiss on screen or when beautifully manscaped teenage boys take off their shirts?

Dave: Yes. It's great. It's like being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with a 4-year-old. [Pause] So, in summation, Twiheadz: I am not against you. I am your skeptical friend who is amused by your obsession and yet I get the concept of obsession and I'm into the mania.

Jen: As one of said Twiheadz, I'm happy to hear that. We'll have to go see Eclipse together so my excitement can rub off on you. And then we'll both wait for monsterbaby to appear in the next sequel!

Dave: I'm in. Go MONSTERBABY!

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Critics' Corner: Grandpa Still Owns The Oscars. Get Off His Lawn.

Critics' Corner: Grandpa Still Owns The Oscars. Get Off His Lawn.

By Dave White and Grae Drake Feb 28, 2011

Dave and Grae rant on the Oscars' hosting, abbreviated songs, and fashions on Hollywood's biggest awards night.

Grae: The Wolfman has an Oscar now!

Dave: I know. It was my favorite boring Hammer horror movie of 2010, so I was pleased by their award for achievements in stuff that is “gross,” to quote Cate Blanchett.

Grae: Take THAT, The Kids Are All Right. Okay, so I’m excited to do my first Critic’s Corner with you, but it was a little hard waking up this morning. I’ve been asleep since about 5:30 yesterday afternoon.

Dave: Did all that second-hand Pineappy Express smoke make you doze off?

Grae: The very same smoke that made James Franco stare suspiciously at the camera.

Dave: And notice that Seth Rogen was nowhere to be found. Which means he was off in the wings with the mini-bong. Now, as a man whose own mom has suffered a stroke and come out the other side, I am a big fan of bulletproof old people who keep on punching. Which is why I think they should have Kirk Douglas host the whole thing next year.

Grae: I would watch all 22 hours of that.

Dave: But after this it’ll probably be Billy Crystal again and some holograms of dead people.

Grae: Appropriate, because the machine is old and creaky and stiff—

Dave: Which makes hosting, no matter who it is, a thankless job. An especially young, hip host will only draw that into sharper relief.

Grae: Right. The creaky machine does not support our current system of freewheeling Twitter snide-itude.

Dave: And so, in spite of Anne Hathaway’s dorky cheerleading and Franco’s “I’m too ice-cold-awesome for this. Are you getting that?” attitude, the machine chugs on anyway. You can’t improve it. You can’t ruin it. It’s geriatric by nature and nurture.

Grae: Let’s talk about our various important complaints.

Dave: I have a few. First, song snippets. I hate the American Idolization/abbreviation of songs in performance. Florence and Her Substitute Machine got out there for 45 seconds and moaned in a way that even the Cocteau Twins would consider formless and lazy.

Grae: Somewhere Enya was cracking up and thinking, “That’s what you get when you don’t call the professionals in to do the job.” But yeah, not enough to even get what the song was supposed to be. Gwyneth Paltrow’s microphone was pretty, though.

Dave: But she was nervous. And the sad thing about that is that only WASPs get nervous. Which is what she is. And it bummed me out a little because she is right in the middle of her current and otherwise triumphant “Hey Everybody I Am Actually A Super Badass Who Does Lots of Cool Stuff and I’m Real Chill and I Hop On Pianos With Puppets and I’m Also On Glee” Makeover Tour. So that was a pothole in the road.

Grae: Next beef: I hate that they left Corey Haim off the dead person clip package.

Dave: And Eric Rohmer. Except maybe Rohmer was on last year’s clip package? I’ll have to check. The problem is that I wouldn’t be surprised if they left him off. Their methodology is mysterious and lacking in grace. They’ve left people off before and it’s always feels disrespectful. I suspect that non-accidental drug deaths might get an automatic no-go?

Grae: The optimist in me wants that not to be the case. Judging them by how they died is wrong.

Dave: My biggest complaint is that no one mentioned Jafar Panahi. Now for the readers who are suddenly thinking, “Who?” I will tell you that Jafar Panahi is a great filmmaker from Iran who has made terrific movies like The Circle, Crimson Gold, Offside and The White Balloon. And he’s in prison now for making them. His own government put him there. That should anger you and make you want to join Amnesty International. And while big names like Spielberg and Scorcese and a lot of other people have spoken out about it in other places, no one remembered to say his name last night and I was hoping they would. I will now climb down from the soapbox.

Grae: Yeah this was a very non-political show. Except for the people who won for Inside Job. As for non-complaints, can we both agree that we loved the P.S. 22 kids?

Dave: Absolutely. I think those kids are rad. And I hate listening to children sing. That’s how good they are. I saw them do that Ariel Pink song on YouTube and I became a big fan right away.

Grae: Now if they’d only get out of those terrible Do the Right Thing t-shirts.

Dave: Watch Fashion Police rip them apart for it.

Grae: I suppose it keeps them scrappy and NYC-looking. So whatever. Should we discuss the actual winners?

Dave: What, again? Everybody won who they said would win and that’s one reason it was boring. We predictify so much now that it’s like a done deal beforehand. And a million more award shows give out statues to the same people. That’s why outfits are all anyone cares about now.

Grae: Ooh, speaking of that, I loved Cate Blanchett.

Dave: True, she looked like a fancy chair—

Grae: --covered in purple outerspace alien bubblewrap. So great. And Scarlett Johansson looked like the sexy, voluptuous velvet curtains next to the space chair. And her hair was fantastic, like she’d just had a romp in the limo on the way over. ‘SCREW YOU, RYAN REYNOLDS! I CAN HAVE ANY MAN I WANT, ANYWHERE I WANT! IN A CAR EVEN!”

Dave: What did you think of Christian Bale’s beard? I ask because I know the answer.

Grae: It sparked outrage in me.

Dave: He’s got it because he’s going to play Herman Melville next. It’s for a role.

Grae: Really?

Dave: No.

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Critics' Corner: Fall Movie Preview

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Jen's so excited about this fall's new movies that she's already thinking about the Oscars. Dave, on the other hand, has something called "a life." Together they compare notes on the biggest upcoming films of the season and tell you what movies to put on your radar.

Dave: I want to tell you that I am not prepared for Fall Movie Season. So I am going to ask you about titles one by one.

Jen: Okay, shoot!

Dave: Jen, please tell me, what is Howl?

Jen: Howl is a Sundance entry starring James Franco, who incidentally is the talk of the town these days; he also stars in the Danny Boyle drama in which he cuts his own arm off. Yum! But Howl is his pretentious Beat poet biopic.

Dave: Oh, the Allen Ginsberg movie.

Jen: Yes, because when we all think Allen Ginsberg, we think James Franco.

Dave: I think of General Hospital and that picture I saw of him sitting across from Marina Abramovic at MOMA this summer.

Jen: He and Joaquin Phoenix should tour the country together with their weird performance art projects.

Dave: Jen, what is Douchebag?

Jen: Douchebag is a word meaning "jerkface who thinks they're all that." Oh, you mean the movie.

Dave: Yes, the movie. I live in Los Angeles just like you, so I know what the word means.

Jen: It's an indie road movie about brothers and a wedding and relationships. So I guess it's every indie film ever made.

Dave: Gross. Jen, what is Let Me In?

Jen: Let Me In is an English-language remake of an amazingly great Swedish film from just a few years ago about a girl vampire and the human boy she befriends, only it's set in America and stars Hit Girl and the kid from The Road. If you ask me, the original, Let the Right One In, didn't need to be remade. The argument is that Americans are put off by subtitles. I say that people who refuse to read subtitles don't deserve movies like Let the Right One In anyway.

Dave: So the "Me" of the title is "the Right One."

Jen: I love little Chloe Moretz, Kodi Smit-McPhee is superb, and Richard Jenkins is the closest Hollywood has to a sure thing when it comes to great acting. And Let Me In also stars the 1980s.

Dave: Jen, what is Secretariat?

Jen: It's a horse movie. It's also a Diane Lane movie.

Dave: AWESOME! On both counts.

Jen: The horse and Diane Lane are friends.

Dave: Does the horse talk? I want the horse to talk.

Jen: Spoiler Alert -- the horse does not talk. But it does win races against all odds and makes Diane Lane a bazillionaire in a society when women weren't supposed to wear pants and be independent and stuff.

Dave: Nice, I'm into it. Is the horse also Jesus like that lion in those other movies?

Jen: Unfortunately, no. It's just a horse.

Dave: Jen, what is Red?

Jen: RED IS HELEN MIRREN SHOOTING AUTOMATIC WEAPONS!

Dave: Jen, what is Life as We Know It?

Jen: Life as We Know It is the next Katherine Heigl movie! And Josh Duhamel in his underpants on the poster! You know, the trailer actually had me interested … until the part where Katherine Heigl gets baby feces on her face, ZOMG ROFL.

Dave: When will KH decide to leave my eyes and ears alone! She’s the lady version of people like Paul Walker and whatshisface Hayden Christensen. I think it would do a lot of film critics good to admit to hating certain actors just on sight.

Jen: I hate Tom Hanks -- at least, from his middle-aged period onward.

Dave: Jen, what is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One in 3-D? Just kidding. That's the one about Jesus being a lion. I know that already. Actually, Jen, what is Love and Other Drugs?

Jen: That's the movie everyone thinks -- at least now, in the Speculative Posturing stage of awards season prognostication -- will nab Anne Hathaway an acting nomination come Oscar time. To other folks, it's the movie where Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal are naked in bed together on the poster. And something about Viagra. Either way, a must see.

Dave: The Little Fockers movie is also about Viagra, I think. I saw the trailer for that and Ben Stiller is doing something to Robert De Niro's boner. That's the only fall movie I'm aware of besides HarryP, the Little Fockers. Oh, and that one with Cher.

Jen: BURLESQUE! Now that's an event movie ... for a certain demographic. A musical about Xtina coming to Hollywood to make it!

Dave: But it's like a big flashy cabaret or something. Where is that in Los Angeles? Do we have those places?

Jen: Don't think too hard about it, Dave. Besides, here's the best piece of trivia about Burlesque, which also stars Kristen Bell and the cute vampire guy from Twilight who isn't Robert Pattinson: It's directed by Steve Antin, who played the douchebag friend in the great '80s teen cult classic The Last American Virgin.

Dave: Oh wait, there's a third movie I know about: The Chronicles of Narnia Part 3. That actual one about the Jesus lion. I like that Jesus lion a lot. Like, a lot a lot. But wait. Yogi Bear. I can't say, Jen, what's Yogi Bear? I will instead ask, Jen, WHY is Yogi Bear?

Jen: UNNNNNH… My guess? It must exist because Dan Akroyd hates us all. But not more than he hates himself. I have a bad feeling that it'll be one of those soul-crushing movie experiences, like *shudder* Furry Vengeance.

Dave: That's it. I want to tell people that there are really amazing movies coming out this fall that aren't in wide release but if you get even 1/3 of a chance to see them then you should get your butt in a seat for: White Material, the new film from my favorite French director, Claire Denis, and Enter the Void.

Jen: Also: Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky's psychological thriller with Natalie Portman losing her mind as a ballerina!

Dave: I like it when people lose their minds.

Jen: Thoughts on The Social Network? Buzz says it's an Oscar contender.

Dave: The Facebook movie? I don't have thoughts. But I do have 1,700 Facebook friends as of today.

Jen: Mark Zuckerberg, the real life billionaire kid who it's about, reportedly refuses to see it, which tells me that it’s something to see. Meanwhile, to jump from social media to stranger danger, there's a new Saw 3-D movie coming out.

Dave: I'm done with Saw. We broke up, me and Saw -- and you know I love to watch people suffer. I'm just over the moralizing. I want my killers not to have jive excuses for murdering people; I want them to just murder for the thrill of it. I just saw this old movie from 1967 called Berserk, about this killer in a traveling circus. When they find out who did it at the end, the murderer yells, "KILL KILL KILL THAT'S ALL I HAVE INSIDE ME!" That's a good killer. I don't need a serial murderer also trying to be my Sunday school teacher.

Jen: Speaking of scary, can Tyler Perry make an Oscar movie? He's got a new flick coming out.

Dave: Why Did I Get Married to Three of These Jerks? Is that it?

Jen: Not exactly; it's For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf. Longest title ever.

Dave: Is Madea in it?

Jen: No.

Dave: I want Madea to ride that Jesus lion. Madea could make a lot of movies better.

Dying to see any, all, or absolutely none of these movies? We want to know. No, really.

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Critics' Corner: Screaming About Unscary Movies

Halloween’s almost here, and Dave and Jen are not sufficiently terrified yet. Why not?

Dave: There have been no scary movies yet this horror season.

Jen: And we’ve had demons…

Dave: And creepy kids…

Jen: And Katherine Heigl. None of them scared you?

Dave: No. Let Me In is really good, as you know. And Hatchet II was hilariously and brutally gory.

Jen: I especially do not love gore. Why do you?

Dave: Because guts are great. I’m charmed by them. But Chain Letter?

Jen: Stupid.

Dave: Devil?

Jen: Stupid elevators.

Dave: My Soul to Take?

Jen: Stupid boring. I didn’t see I Spit on Your Grave. I know you did, but…

Dave: Problematic in so many ways I can’t really even list them here. And you definitely should stay away from it. It does, however, pass one of my horror tests.

Jen: Which are…

Dave: Horror movies must be either 1) scary 2) gory or 3) make me feel really bad about life and hope and stuff.

Jen: Seriously with that last one?

Dave: Yes. Horror movies should make you feel horrified and horrible. I believe that. If they don’t then they have no reason to exist.

Jen: See, I like British Hammer films and Italian Giallo. Those are great, from back before special effects were good enough to really freak me out. And they were deranged instead of just instilling dread. They were prettier, more stylized. Like Suspiria. Witches in a ballet school with lurid colors and creepy sounds and strange hallways. It’s being remade, you know.

Dave: Don’t remind me. I am always against those. They bring nothing new to the table. Nothing.

Jen: And as much as I like Let Me In, it’s both the exception that proves the rule and, like it or not, still useless.

Dave: Sequels can be all right, but they usually tend to turn the horror into comedy or camp. They Godzilla-fy everything, taking the monster and making it into a beloved pal.

Jen: What are the best horror movies? What are the greatest ones?

Dave: The Exorcist, Halloween, Alien, Nosferatu.

Jen: I will add Rosemary’s Baby, The Shining and Poltergeist to that.

Dave: But you know what? None of those movies, as superlative as they are, have the power to scare me anymore. I know them too well.

Jen: It’s the unknown that’s always the most frightening. That’s why movies like The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity catch people off guard.

Dave: Neither of them looked like horror films so that was a bit of necessary destabilization for the audience.

Jen: And that fear of what’s out there that’s coming for me, the tension of all that, played a big part in those too. So I wonder how Paranormal Activity 2 will make that work.

Dave: Well, I live in hope with that one. But the Saw movies stopped caring about that after the first film. Once you knew the guy behind it all they just became films about the traps and the mechanics of how they operated and the absurd moralism of a serial killer.

Jen: Ugh. Gore. So awful. I hate it. And you like it because… why, again?

Dave: Guts are hilarious. It’s fun to be grossed out. It’s probably never going to happen to you or anyone you know, so why not enjoy watching a fictional human being have their head chopped off? That way you can say you’ve experienced it yourself and it was great and not very painful at all. But yes, it’s not true horror. Gore isn’t scary. It’s just repulsive. To scare me takes a threat. Which is why I am embarrassed to say what I’m about to say.

Jen: Oooh, confession time…

Dave: The horror films that scare me these days are all about the same thing: “Who’s out there in the dark waiting for me? Who’s in the house right now that I don’t know about?” I joke about The Strangers all the time because I realize that it’s just a not very good movie at all. But when I’m home alone, that’s the one I think about. I think about that guy with the bag on his head somehow appearing in my hallway at night.

Jen: See, now you’re freaking me out. I’ll stick with Monster Squad. That’s a classic of a different sort. Kiddie horror.

Dave: Which isn’t horror at all. It’s just goofy monsters for people who were six years old when it came out.

Jen: Like me!

Dave: But I get you. Japanese monster movies are kiddie horror, and they’re a lifelong addiction of mine. And I think they prepare the Japanese population for stuff like Audition [pictured, left] in a way. They allow for anything to happen.

Jen: Audition, nice. And you like The Ring, too, of course?

Dave: The Ring is like chocolate cake. Everyone likes The Ring. I’m also a big fan of a late ‘90s Japanese movie called Cure, about a serial killer who plants murder-impulses into people’s brains.

Jen: Haven’t seen that one.

Dave: Now you recommend something obscure that people might not have seen, and we’ll have accomplished the prescriptive portion of this chat.

Jen: Deep Red [pictured, right]. More Giallo. And House of the Devil, last year’s the Satan-in-the-house indie.

Dave: Oh, good one. Yes, everyone go watch House of the Devil. I want pentagrams and Satanic Panic to come back in style.

Jen: Happy Halloween people. Stay safe.

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Critics' Corner: Hooray for Santy Claus!

Jen and Dave talk groovy murder-Santas, holiday-sweater wearing Brits, Ziggy Stardust, and more about the holiday movies they love.

Jen: I want your Christmas list.

Dave: A pony, a cashmere blanket and five pound box of money.

Jen: I mean I want your Christmas movie list. The freaky holiday movies I should put on my “hide under the Christmas Snuggie and watch” list.

Dave: The original Black Christmas. Also Christmas Evil.

Jen: I sense a trend here…

Dave: And the 1959 Mexican children’s film Santa Claus. And Desk Set, with Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn in a Manhattan office in the 1950s bantering back and forth and one of those cool old lascivious Mad Men-like office Christmas parties. And White Christmas because Rosemary Clooney is perfect.

Jen: Those are your Top 5 Christmas films?

Dave: One more. Remember how last month I went off on a rant about how much I like French movies? There’s a really nice one that hardly anyone saw called Dans Paris, about these two brothers. One is suicidal and the other tries to get him to see how awesome life is. Takes place on Christmas Eve.

Jen: What about Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence?

Dave: What about it?

Jen: It’s not an obvious choice. Unconventional. From Japanese auteur Nagisa Oshima. About a harsh Japanese prison camp turned upside down by the arrival of David Bowie. There’s a little Christmas spirit involved as well, but it’s mostly about Bowie-worship.

Dave: If anyone’s going to turn your prison camp upside down it’s Ziggy Stardust. I saw it forever ago in the ‘80s and not since. Remind me, does anyone actually say “Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence” in the movie?

Jen: You always want the weirdest detail. Yes indeed, the line is uttered by none other than Beat Takeshi, who plays the stern prison camp warden who relents on Christmas Eve and offers his prisoners an Act of Kindness. Because in the movies, as you know, Christmas is when people are motivated to behave uncharacteristically kind. Every other time of the year? Forget it.

Dave: Okay, your list then…

Jen: Christmas Vacation is a modern classic. Hilarious because of how much you can relate to the nightmarish familial hijinks but also touching at times, like when Clark Griswold gets stuck in the attic and goes sentimental over Christmases past. I also get teary over An Affair to Remember, in which a Christmas gift plays a pivotal role.

Dave: Both of those are good. We agree on a new one, too: Rare Exports

Jen: Ooh yes, the Finnish Santa movie where Santa is a weird, deranged, frozen, reindeer-slaughtering mountain man. Very strange mix of horror and fantasy. Everyone who prefers the Krampus to holiday warmth should see it. I love the way the holiday is presented in other countries. That’s really why people should dig into the subtitled films. They’re these little sociology lessons, a way to travel and observe without the hassle of getting a passport. Plus, you learn that people everywhere go through the holidays like you do. By daydreaming about killer Santas.

Dave: You’re a hundred percent right about that. You’re not a citizen of the world if you’re not watching movies from Finland or Thailand or Argentina or wherever. It really does help you “get” the rest of a planet’s population a little better.

Jen: Having said that, I think Gremlins is one of the great Christmas movies. A Mogwai may be the best present a kid could ever get. And on the flip side, I like Love Actually.

Dave: I confess to a weird soft spot for that one, too. It’s indefensible. But I like watching sentimental British people with money. And have you noticed how British people are really secular but they’re also really into partying down at Christmas? Like the culture war of “Happy Holidays” and “Happy Christmas” seems not to exist there. I don’t know why.

Jen: That ties into my two holiday theories. The first is that British people enjoy wearing holiday sweaters.

Dave: And the second?

Jen: That no one ever has to defend themselves in December. Your viewing habits in December are your own business. You can be sentimental and revel in comfort-food cinema. Whatever dumb thing gives you pleasure is fine.

Dave: With your signed permission slip in hand, then, I’m about to bust my cred forever among dudes.

Jen: …

Dave: It’s not a Christmas movie.

Jen: Say it.

Dave: I love The Sound of Music. To me that is a Christmas movie. Even though it’s not. But it’s what I want to watch. And I can only do it on TV because if you go see it in a theater somewhere everyone wants to sing along now. Hate that. Hate people who do that.

Jen: Ah, the hater who loves Julie Andrews! I love it. And when you watch it at home you can drink cocoa, which they do not serve at theaters, even the ones with the chicken wings and bizarre pizzas and pot-roast-filled pretzels. You’d think they’d serve cocoa.

Dave: You’re right again. And anybody who harshes on me about The Sound of Music will get a visit from Finland Murder-Santa. So you better watch out.

What's your favorite holiday movie? Tell us.

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